Just got home. 10 minutes earlier than a normal day, 10 minutes later than a good day.
God, Mondays suck.
I pick up the phone from the cup holder, preparing to text Kyle and let him know I’m home, but I am distracted by an article I was dying to read. Something about how writers kill off their characters. I thought about it, every book I have outlined, rough chapters scribbled on paper, all in my desk in the bedroom; in every story I kill someone. Then I’m thinking about Disney movies and how Mom pointed out that someone dies in every one (usually a parent).
Taylor Swift’s “All You Had To Do Was Stay” is still pumping through the Sable’s speakers. I open the door so I don’t look like one of those people who just listen to music in their car, the bass thumping away.
The wind whips through the open door and I hear it. The humming. A chill runs deep up my spine. I’m almost afraid to look, but I do. It’s a girl, a pretty ordinary looking girl. She is wearing a gray and black zipped jacket, with the hood down. Her brown hair is back with a thick, obnoxiously bright orange hair band. But it’s too thick to be a hair band, more like a sweatband. And I watch her for a moment. She just keeps walking, head down, humming. Her hum still makes me shake. For a second, I’m convinced it’s not even her. The ominous sound is all around me like a tornado.
I get inside and lock the door without looking back.
Oh, how the years have flown by
How many things have changed with time
But certain things remain the same
My love for you has never changed.
Yeah I’ve lived and seen enough
To know I can’t escape this love
‘Cause it seems like no matter where I ran
You were like a ghost, always hauntin’
{chorus}
Now it’s raining hearts
And I watch as they crash on the sidewalk
Stepping through puddles of blood
I reach to the sky for love
How naive we used to be
Who am I kidding?
Look at how naive we are
Guarding our hearts
Like they won’t get bruised
But that’s no excuse
To hide what I feel
You feel it too
So just pull back the peel
And admit the truth
deviantart.net
{chorus}
Now it’s raining hearts
And I watch as they crash on the sidewalk
Stepping through puddles of blood
I reach to the sky for love
I reach in your chest
Will you let me take the rest
Of this beating organ
If it’s broken
I can help you heal
If you let me
You don’t have to deal
Alone…
{chorus}
Now it’s raining hearts
And I watch as they crash on the sidewalk
Stepping through puddles of blood
I reach to the sky for love
It’s raining hearts
The clouds swell as the storm rages on
I throw my head towards the sun
As the rain falls down with love
Another very old song, I’m surprised I never published. It’s one of my favorites. A friend of mine was going to rap the verses as I sang the chorus ^-^
I’ve been waiting
For you to finally see
That you’re the only one for me
Got me on my knees
Begging you silently
Please just open your eyes.
Here I’m standing
Right in front of you
Pouring out my heart
But it don’t get to you
I’m screaming out your name
But you don’t hear
Please just open your ears
Come to me, oh, come to me
Come to me, I’ve been waiting
Follow my voice
To the shore
Hear me now
I’m waiting at your door
I can see a storm brewing
Over the sea
Can you see what I see?
I’ll protect your heart
I’ll never tear it
I will keep you safe
You can trust that
I will keep you dry
When it rains bad
Please, open your heart to me
Come to me, oh, come to me
Come to me, I’ve been waiting
I can’t keep waiting
For you to notice
I love you
The way she doesn’t
I won’t wait forever
Please don’t take much longer
To realize we were made for each other
So come to me, please come to me
I’ve been waiting, I am begging
I’ve been waiting for you to finally
See that you’re the only one for me
~~
I re-wrote Waiting for Out of the Ocean, the sequel to What it Took to Realize/ Voodoo (inspired by Alexz Johnson) which is available for Kindle on Amazon. I had written a different song for Out of the Ocean, but I wasn’t very fond of it. That was when I realized I had a perfectly good song already written, so I took Waiting and personalized it for the character so it would fit the story!
I used to think sadness was love That needing someone was the same as longing for their touch I used to think I would never be good enough
For anyone because no one could make the sacrifices I was
Stuck outside, ready to rust away
When you came by, sheltered me from the rain
You looked in my eyes and said it would be okay.
And for the first time, I wasn’t worried.
I used to believe pain was happiness
Because feeling anything was better than the emptiness
I used to believe I was destined for loneliness
Because no one would let me inside of them
I was stuck outside, ready to rust away
When you came by, sheltered me from the rain
You looked in my eyes and said it would be okay.
And for the first time, I wasn’t afraid.
For the first time, I’m not alone.
For the first time, I have hope.
For the first time…
For the very first time…
I was stuck outside, ready to rust away
When you came by, sheltered me from the rain
You looked in my eyes and said it would be okay.
It had been all night, was sure I’d rust red
When you brought your light, taught me to shine instead
You took my heart inside of your hand
And for the first time I know what happiness is.
He found himself at her door. Like so many times before. But he couldn’t remember how he got there. It seemed all roads lead to her.
It was a warm but cool night. He could taste its humidity on his tongue.
Had he walked? Did he drive? He couldn’t remember. Nor could he tear his eyes off of the front door to look for clues. It stood before him tall and looming. The white paint glowed in the darkness like a lantern. He couldn’t even bring himself to knock.
Would she answer if he did? She was probably in her room, all alone, asleep. She probably wouldn’t even hear him.
He whispered her name.
She could feel his call lingering like a sigh through her bones.
She could hear his heart thumping like a jack-rabbit just beyond her front door. If she laid still enough, maybe he would leave. Leave her home. Leave her memory.
“Cecilia.”
She found herself unlocking the front door like she had been in some sort of hypnotic trance.
Their eyes met.
Her heart stopped.
His heart slowed down.
It felt better just to see her face again. Calmed him. And he told her this. “I’m sorry,” he added.
He was wearing his best apology, but not even that was enough. Not after all the times she had let him in, just for him to leave. Was it worth risking another heartbreak?
He knew every promise he had made in the past, he had also broken. Anything he could have said, she would have perceived as a lie.
“Can I come in?”
She didn’t answer but positioned herself in the middle of the doorway, a hand ready to smack that front door right in his face.
“Please.”
She adverted her eyes from his. His crystal eyes always made her weak. She needed strength.
“The last time I let you in, you shattered my grandmother’s porcelain vase.” Her words weren’t grudgeful or sad. They were light and heavy all at once. Just like the night’s summer air.
“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
Again, he pleaded, “Will you let me in?”
She closed her eyes. The way her long lashes fluttered over her rosemary cheeks made the flame in his chest dance. “How long has it been this time?
“Four months.”
She scoffed. “How do I know I can trust you?”
He spoke so low even he couldn’t hear himself whimper, “That’s not fair.”
“Not fair?” She laughed, but her face twisted into a knot. She laughed, but tears streamed from both of her eyes. She laughed. She sobbed. And right before him, she was breaking. There was no where for her to hide or for him. No other reasons why, just the two of them.
He broke. He was at fault, he knew. And he knew he never wanted to be the reason she didn’t smile. Be the reason she cried. “I will never hurt you again,” he swore. “I’m done with that stuff for good.”
She collapsed to her knees. Her auburn hair fell before her face like branches of a willow, shielding herself from him. This is why he was surprised when he knelt down next to her and put his arm around her, that she folded into his chest. She gripped onto his shirt with her fists and cried so hard her entire body shook against his and her throat started to become raw. With a gasp for air she said, “This is the last time I’m asking you, put my name at the top of you list.”
“Of course.”
She calmed down slightly afterwards. Tears fell silently off the point of her chin and her heart still struggled to get back to its smooth rhythmic beat. Between hiccups she repeated, “This is the last time.”
He helped her to her feet.
“This is the last time.”
He lifted her so that her head rested in the nook between his head and his shoulder.
I was realizing today that it has been 4 months since I have been out of the dark tunnel and into the light. I thought it was about time I shared that journey, into the right kind of love, with everyone.
I am going crazy
Somebody please save me from myself
I don’t want to make the same mistakes
I want to get it right
This time.
Because you deserve better than the hurt I bring
I want to keep you smiling
Maybe it’s best you stay away from me
But that’s not what my heart is asking.
Yeah, baby I am bad news
But I guess the choice is up to you…
Oh no, I am drowning
Somebody please save me from myself.
I know I am all screwed up
I don’t want to get you caught
In my mess
It’s either you set me free
Or get locked in this cage with me
Is it really worth the chance?
Because you deserve better than the hurt I bring
I want to keep you smiling
Maybe it’s best you stay away from me
But that’s not what my heart is asking.
Yeah, baby I am bad news
But I guess the choice is up to you…
I am going crazy
Are you going to be the one to save me?
Are you the lantern glowing in the dark night?
A firefly?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was their response:
Follow me here, there’s no need to fear
I’ll guide you through the night
And when your hope is low, don’t let it show
It’s just one small moment in time
Let that moment end tonight
I’ll be your firefly
Together we can burn bright.
It’s a new day
You’re still you
And you’re still a mystery to me
I can’t read into you.
It’s a new day
It’s the same me
But I’m feeling a bit differently
I’m wondering, I’m doubting
How you feel about me…
It’s the twinkle in your eyes
The way your heart races against mine
The fire burning inside of you…
You’re the sunshine in a black sky
The air I need to breathe or I die
You’re the water I drink
You’re everything I need…
So what am I to you?
It’s still the same kiss
Still the same hug
The electricity is not gone
And I ravish in your warmth.
It’s still the same love
And it’s growing
But I don’t know if you feel what I’m feeling
But it’s so amazing…
Then I, I wonder, what am I to you?
It’s the twinkle in your eyes
The way your heart races against mine
The fire burning inside of you…
You’re the sunshine in a black sky
The air I need to breathe or I die
You’re the water I drink
You’re everything I need…
So what am I to you?
Am I the color blue in your sky
The medicine you take?
Do I make you feel alive
Or am I just another mistake?
It’s the way you smile at me
The sound of you breath when you’re falling asleep
It’s the way you shine…
You’re a midnight sunrise
The unpredictable tide
You’re the rain pouring down on me
You’re everything I need.
So what am I to you?
What am I to you?
What am I to you?
What am I to you?
It’s the twinkle in you eyes
You’re the sun in a black sky
It’s the fire burning inside of you…
You’re the air I breathe or I die
The way you’re heart races against mine
You’re the water I drink
You’re everything to me.
Falling to pieces
Falling to pieces
Falling to pieces
Falling to pieces
I am a broken puzzle
On the floor at your door
You left me there to
Pull myself together
But I don’t know how
These pieces fit
Now I am just useless
You build me up to knock me down
And I let it happen
I went along with your plan
Because I was too blind to see ahead
Everything that felt so right
Was wrong inside
How am I
Supposed to say goodbye?
Once upon a time
Not so long ago
You came into my life
And I felt your warmth
Now all that I have
Are the hallows
You ditched me in
To fend for myself
But I am just a foolish girl
Who never should trust this evil world
But I must believe there is life for me
No, I will not bleed at my seams
You build me up to knock me down
You knock me down
You knock me down Why?
You build me up to knock me down
And I let it happen
I went along with your plan
Because I was too blind to see ahead
Even now when I know the truth
I would still follow you
I would still follow you
…
I’d follow you
…
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling away
