Still Alive

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You had to be kidding me! The way she went on and on about him even though she knew. She knew that I still loved him.

The envy burned a hole in my gut at the realization he liked her better than me. To him I was only a toy. Someone he could manipulate and play with only to discard once he had his fix. Even when I had seen him earlier he could only talk about her. How much he liked her. Asking if she had said anything about him. About them. Like they were a couple already! I so badly wanted to vomit at his feet. Instead, I looked up into his icy blue eyes, oh how they had once made my heart melt, and said, “I am so happy for you. No really. I am so glad you found someone just like you.” Only I could taste the tangy, sour venom on my tongue, for he only sighed with relief.

I looked back at her, her childish face bubbling with excitement. I knew he wouldn’t break her heart. Not the way he had mine when he tore it to pieces and fed it to the flames like wood pulp. Well, maybe not on his own. I took a hold of her arm and she beamed down at me unknowingly. I told her all about the talk him and I had, exaggerating only where necessary, and maybe adding in a few white lies. After telling her all about how he had come on to me, kissing me, even though he said he wanted to be with her, she went rigid. I watched as her shoulders sagged and her entire face went dark. Her mouth askew with the thought while her wide eyes stared out into open space. Eventually she let herself crumble. Each tear snaking down her cheek was a droplet of triumph. Suppressing the urge to smile, I wrapped her into the safe haven of my arms. I cooed into her ear while smoothing down strands of her red hair. “He is so dead to me,” she gurgled through sobs.

“It’s OK. We’re alive.”

I’m alive.

Another concoction of listen & write (Portal~Still Alive) apparently from a video game as my fiance informed me ;p I had fun writing a little more devious piece considering I would never be able to be that mean to someone. The guilt would probably eat me alive. But it did come from a little bit of personal experience, just with a twist ;]

Why do you do this to me?

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A song that I just wrote. Probably one of my most emotional ones in like forever. I was basically crying while writing this. So, thanks to Chester See who’s music inspired me to write this song which has been haunting me.

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I thought I was over you

I thought I was free

But when I saw your face

Smiling back at me

My wounds began to open

My heart beat too fast

I gripped onto his hand

And hoped the feeling wouldn’t last

*

{Chorus}

There’s a pit in my stomach

Growing with each passing second

My limbs begin to quiver and I’m sure I’m going to faint

I’ve acquired a fever and my body aches

I think I’m going to throw-up

Why do you do this to me?

*

When I saw you standing there

Your blue eyes looked at me

My heart began thumping wildly inside my chest

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t I can’t breathe.

*

{Chorus}

There’s a pit in my stomach

Growing with each passing second

My limbs begin to quiver and I’m sure I’m going to faint

I’ve acquired a fever and my body aches

I think I’m going to throw-up

Why do you do this to me?

*

I’m just trying to get it down on paper

I can’t explain

The effect you have over me

Every time I see you any progress that I have made has been erased

I can’t even think.

Why am I so darn weak?

*

I hate that I can’t let you go

I hate that I will never know

What we could have been.

I hate the way you smile

I hate how your eyes twinkle

But worst of all

I hate that he knows.

*

{Chorus}

There’s a pit in my stomach

Growing with each passing second

My limbs begin to quiver and I’m sure I’m going to faint

I’ve acquired a fever and my body aches

I think I’m going to throw-up

Why do you do this to me?

x2

*

Why can’t I let you go?

Years of rejection, you think I would know

How to finally move on

How to say goodbye

We no longer speak

But still, in your hands my heart lies.

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~